I recently read The Bag Lady Papers by Alexandra Penney, a best-selling author who wrote “How to Make Love to a Man” back in the 70s.

Since then, she’s pretty much been living in the lap of luxury… until her life savings were taken from her by Bernie Madoff. To make end’s meat, she’s been writing these blog posts which recount her plunge from a life of opulence, to one slightly above middle class. Horrors!

Now, Penney is either a cunning entrepreneur or the worst author ever. The articles come across as being about the most pompous, self-serving individual you can imagine. But it’s autobiographical!!! Surely a decent author could make herself sound sympathetic? But, and here’s the thing, the articles look like she’s trying to do just that!

Before I reached for a bedtime Tylenol PM, I Googled the Hemlock Society. I wanted to know a painless way to die.

Sympathetic, right? But then…

I began to think about my options: I’d have to sell the cottage in West Palm Beach immediately. I’d need to lay off Yolanda. I could cancel the newspaper subscriptions and read everything online. I only needed a cell phone. I’d have to stop taking taxis. And who could highlight my hair for almost no money? And how hard was it to give yourself a really good pedicure?

Pedicures? Highlights? Come on. Two paragraphs ago, you were talking about suicide.

Believe it or not, I highly recommend reading these articles. Why? Because, if I didn’t know they were factual, I would have said the protagonist wasn’t believable. You wanna know how to write “rich and clueless”? It’s all right there in these articles.

**Her story has a happy ending. She was able to secure a book deal from an old friend. Looks like she’s back to sipping Crystal!

Tags: Alexandre Penney, The Bag Lady Papers

I have been an apartment dweller for nearly fifteen years now, and there is a certain pattern that I’ve noticed. You can tell how nice your apartment is (and, consequently, determine your station in life) based on how many amenities on this list are fulfilled.

1) Deck of Cards – This is the first thing you should get when you move into a new place. If you have nothing else, you can always play solitaire and weep softly into a can of beer.

2) A Toaster – Your first appliance! Congrats! Pop Tarts become a major food group

3) A Bedroom – This feels like luxury after living in a studio/bachelor suite. Better yet, if you run out of sofa space, people aren’t likely to spill beer on your clean sheets (cause they’re all the way in that other room).

4) A Dishwasher – Hundreds of hours of washing dishes are now gone. You begin to wonder why no one has yet invented a “potwasher”.

5) Washer/Dryer – No more begging the dour-looking clerk at the corner store for precious, precious change. You can use the dryer to make your pajamas warm and toasty before you go to bed.

5) Stairs – Owning stairs means you own multiple levels of house. You are your own upstairs neighbor. Who cares if the bed squeaks? Go to town.

6) A Garage – Your very own car-hole. Coupled with underground parking at work, you can stay entirely suntan-free. No need to cordon off a parking space with broken white plastic buckets, you are lord and master of eight feet of concrete.

7) A Lawn – Congrats. You own grass. However, you must now purchase a lawnmower, weed-eater, fertilizer, …etc. Get ready for hours of caddyshack-esque gofer-based fun!

8 ) A Two Car Garage – Your car has a mate. Hopefully you do too. If not, well, there’s now room for an in-home gym. Use it. If you’re at point 8, you’ve pretty much made it. (Apparently, there’s a bug in WordPress that cuts off anything after point 8, so: If you have anything to add at any point in this list, please mention it in the comments, and I’d add it in the appropriate location.)

Tags: Apartments, Hierarchy of the Howeowner

Recently, I got a crit on a story that I wrote about Spanish conquistadors. The reader said that my villain was a stereotype, a fact I naturally disagreed with, but then he went on to say that my characterisation wasn’t believable because Spanish conquistadors were all decended from nobility and they all had a moral code, …etc.

In effect, he was using a steretype to prove that my stereotype wasn’t believable.

Somewhere, Lady Irony snorted coffee through her nose.

I have a nervous tic that compels me to point out hypocrisy wherever I see it. I enjoy it. I’m damn good at it. Logic is my kung-fu. However, when you do this in response to a criticism, it looks like you’re getting defensive. This is the part of the story where the protagonist experiences character growth.  You see, the comment was made in a pretty public forum attended by people I respect.  Therefore, in order to not accidentally come across as defensive, I kept my mouth shut. I thanked him for him comments, and moved on.

Sure, I could have gotten some kind of cerebral thrill from being what David Pitchford once called an “intellectual bully”. But instead, I behaved like a professional. And you know what? It felt pretty good. Who knows? Maybe I might make a career of this thing.

Tags: criticism

If you only saw the Butterfly Effect in the theaters, it’s time to gave it another look.

First time I saw this movie was on DVD, and I thought it was amazing. It was almost perfectly constructed, with only one notable plot hole (where Ashton’s character stabs himself in the hands). I wondered at the time why it wasn’t a bigger hit.

Then I watched the Theatrical version on DVD. Wow. The ending was terrible. And I mean terrible. It’s tough not to discuss this without giving away what happens, but let’s just say that the Director’s Cut, while extremely awesome, might have been a little too challenging for the American Public, whereas the Theatrical Version was probably Watered-Down But Acceptable.

I noticed that it was the writers themselves who directed this movie, so that neatly explains its dual nature. They shot the movie they wrote, showed it to a producer who was all like, “you can’t show that to the American Public”, and were forced to re-shoot with the horrible compromise.

The message here is that if writers direct a movie, you should listen to them. Produces gave the Wachowski Brothers a lot of leeway and we got the Matrix. Matt Damon and Ben Affleck gave us Good Will Hunting. I feel certain the Butterfly Effect would have enjoyed the same success if Eric Bress and J. Mackye Gruber had been able to make the movie they wanted to make.

Tags: Eric Bress, J. Mackye Gruber, The Butterfly Effect

I just discovered these interesting articles over at The Fix Online: Are We at the End of Science Fiction, Part I and Are We at the End of Science Fiction, Part II.

I think people are confusing the death of the short fiction magazine with the end of science fiction in general. I know it’s hard to come up with new tropes like Time Travel and Alternate Universes, but I don’t think we’ve stopped entirely. Had anyone imagined downloading yourself into a machine earlier than the 1950? Greg Bear pretty much started off a slew of stories on Nano technology in the 80s.

And since when does “Science Fiction” only encompass the narrow field of “Hard Science Fiction”. Surely Space Operas like Star Wars and Star Trek are alive and well. This is especially true in the video game sectore.

I think the real question being asked, is, “Are we at the end of Clarke style idea-driven science fiction?”. And to that, I think the answer is probably yes. Idea driven stories don’t sell these days (at least in short fiction. The DaVinci Code had very little BUT an idea going for it), and I think that’s a good thing. Character driven fiction is really the only way the field will survive. With video games and TV becoming so prominent, books have to go where they CAN’T–into the characters heads to compete. It’s simple economics.

Anyways, the articles are a little long, but certainly recommended reading. After you’ve had a look, please come back to the blog and share your thoughts in the comments section.

Tags: science fiction, The Fix Online